It's time I got real. It is time I accept myself for who I am. A person who struggles with anxiety and depression and intrusive thoughts.
I am a person who takes an antidepressant (Lexapro) and Xanax when I have major breakthrough anxiety like I am now.
I have struggled with some form of Dep/Anx for most of my life. It really came on strong when pregnant with my first daughter and after.
I never imagined I would be someone who had to take an antidepressant. I was under the misconception that being an intelligent person, I could just think away those thoughts and feeling. I was very uneducated on the condition and I apologize to all those commercials I saw when I was young and thought, "Just get over it".
I had what I would call my first major depressive episode when my 1st daughter was 2 1/2 and my grandmother died. I was working full time even though I wanted to be a SAHM so badly. But I let myself believe that we HAD to have my income. I thought I was absolutely going crazy and was headed for the "looney bin" so I finally went to see the doctor and semi-accepted the fact that I would have to go on some kind of medication.
I started off on Zoloft and had what I think was a reaction. Who knows maybe it was just extreme anxiety. Anyway, off I went and told the dr. maybe just an anti-anxiety med would be what I needed. I struggled for an entire year using minimal Xanax because I hated the thought of taking it.
The next Spring, I crashed again. I thought, Maybe going part-time would be the magic fix. Struggled for a few more months, thinking I was going crazy.
I then broke down and went back to the dr. because something HAD to give. I couldn't live like that anymore. Major Depression. Major Anxiety.
I finally agreed to try another Anti-depressant. Lexapro along with Xanax for the anxiety. Initial increased anxiety but pushed through and went up to 20mg Lex.
Felt good for about 2 years with a few minor episodes. Decided I would go off the Lex and have another baby. What an idiot! I should have stayed on the Lex, no studies showed it would was harmful but I thought I was "superwoman" and could make it.
20 weeks into Pregnancy #2 and I (let's say it together) crashed. Ob/gyn would only give me Wellbutrin. What a nightmare! I then went to my reg. dr. who gave me the Lex back. Struggled through the rest of the pregnancy and went to 30mg Lex post-delivery with some Xanax on the side.
I eventually would go to Xanax only at bedtime and got the bright idea that I only needed 20mg Lex and talked my doc into trying it. It was OK for a while until last Spring when (all together now) crash!
Went back up to 30mg Lex with a side of Xanax and eventually only used Xanax at bedtime.
If you've read this far you have now come through a brief overview of my past 7 years and are now realtime.
I've had lots of stressors the past couple weeks and have felt a crash coming on. Money, weight, self-esteem, perfectoinism, anniversary of first crash, etc.
I've really been struggle the past few weeks and the last 2 days have been horrible. I've been taking my 30mg Lex and Xanax 3X/day. Thought it was just a bump.
Each and every time I come through to the other side of the darkness, I talk myself into believeing that it won't happen again.
I have to realize and accept that this is something I'll have to deal with on an ongoing basis.
So, I made an appt with my dr. for Monday. I have a call into a counselor.
I have got to figure out a better way to deal with this. Ignoring the problem when I'm feeling good is not working for the long haul. But as soon as I feel better, I want to ignore the situation.
-I've never seen a psych.
-I've been on Lex for 7 years (with brief interlude)
-I've got to accept myself for who I am with this condition.
-Have you had a med stop working?
-What meds do you take?
-What are your stressors?
-Have you accepted this as a continuing condition?
-How do you cope?
-Psych or no?
Pray for me. Please. Give me feedback.
Thanks for reading this rambling mess.